You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
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not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
no one likes gloating
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE