“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
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The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic