Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
You Might Also Like
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Guy who likes music
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.