Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
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Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent