I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
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Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?