The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.