Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
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You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Lmao
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi