Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins