My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
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If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great