turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”