Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
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[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable