ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
You Might Also Like
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.