Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
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I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*