Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
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My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!