My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
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3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Nice try, NASA
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
This one’s “Alex”.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs