This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
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[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
i’m laughing very hard in real life
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber