me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
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[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*