“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
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*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
if my sleeping schedule was a person