lol
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tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!