[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
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If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody