[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Discuss
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u