If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
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It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*