…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
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According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.