Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
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If snakes were wide
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.