Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
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And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Yes
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!