I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
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Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”