Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
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CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
it is time once again
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.