I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
You Might Also Like
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
A great tip. #CakeRex
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.