The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
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For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.