If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
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17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself