I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
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amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport