imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
That’s incredible! 👌
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!