[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband