Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
You Might Also Like
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Awwwww shit.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.