Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
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OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Life鈥檚 too short to have your shit together.
My car won鈥檛 turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It鈥檚 my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Sperm 1: I think I鈥檝e got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I鈥檓 looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We鈥檝e heard good things about the Xbox.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom鈥檚 favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn鈥檛 the biggest disappointment in her life.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn鈥檛 planned this. He didn鈥檛 have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 馃ゲ
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I鈥檓 okay with that.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
At least he brought enough for everyone
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I鈥檓 white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Good morning.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples