If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
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ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
What the dentist sees