Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
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My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.