If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire