Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
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I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?