I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
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Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!