We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
You Might Also Like
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
sin harder.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.