The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
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Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.