FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
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Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
wow
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future