First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
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He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several