If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
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me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.