She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
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Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out