If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
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Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Finally
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Thursday Thought.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.