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Body by Oreos
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.