me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
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If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
im all 3
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.