Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You Might Also Like
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.